This past Tuesday, I cried for a few hours.?
I’m a HUGE advocate of when life sucks, FEEL the feelings.? You will never find me spiritually bypassing my crappy feelings and trying to lie to myself that I’m sooooooo happy, when in reality, I’m miserable. We can’t move into manifesting what we want when all our energy is being re-directed to fighting and suppressing our emotions. So why was I crying?? Because I felt like a failure. Which was REDONKULOUS because the whole reason I felt like a failure, was because I felt like I had let YOU down, in regards to a training that you don’t even know ANYTHING about!? ? ??Geeze Louise Connie.?
Here’s a little backstory:? Every single day, I get emails from people who loved the 5-day manifesting challenge and want more. More learning, more coaching from me, more manifesting methods, just more and more. And the entire reason I hired a team, is so they can take care of the backend of running my business, so I can be free to give you MORE and coach as much as possible while maintaining my sanity.??
Well, I fudged up.?
I decided I would create an entire workshop on manifesting… in less than a month, and share it with you for free, so you could get more of the manifesting training that you want. Oh, did I mention I’m also packing up my whole family and moving to a new state AND creating a new membership site??? No biggs no biggs.
Major overwhelm! MAJOR BIGGS!? >insert wine guzzling here<?
I only gave myself 2 weeks to finish everything AND move my family to a new state. That and the pressure of about a million little things that need to get done between now and the move, broke me.? I broke down. I tried and tried but I couldn’t get the remaining 2 training videos completed in time for the workshop. Every time I would film, I would hate the end product. It wasn’t good enough, the lighting wasn’t right, I wasn’t energetic enough, I wasn’t looking in the right spot on the camera. Over and over I found reasons why the video wasn’t perfect and good enough. ?
I wanted to make this training as valuable, informative, and as fun as possible. I put so much pressure on myself that when my move and to-do list were added, I broke down.?
And it was a GLORIOUS thing!
That breakdown led to a?breakthrough.?
I woke up the morning of Tuesday, when I would be filming the videos AGAIN, and I finally let myself FEEL everything-? the worry, the fear of letting you down, the pressure I was putting on myself, the nervous excitement about moving, the stress of the to-do list that felt like it was getting longer and longer each day…I felt it?all.?After I was done crying and throwing an adult temper tantrum over my #FirstWorldProblems, I grabbed Piper, my beagle, and we went on a nice long 4-mile walk in the sunshine, to engage in Conscious Movement and allow this energy to move through me.?
As I walked, I coached myself and I simply asked,?“what is going on? Why do I feel this way? Why am I finding so many things wrong with me and these videos? This isn’t like me” and I prayed for guidance. I prayed to the Universe for help in sorting out my emotions. As I walked and simply talked to myself in my head, eventually I had my “ah-ha” moment.?
I needed this workshop to be PERFECT because I don’t want to let you down. I want you to love what I teach and want to be and stay in my world and keep learning from me.?
I kept digging to find out why this was so important to me.?
What follows is the exact conversation that went on in my head. I connected with my Higher Self (we all have one) and I coached myself through this…
Why is it so important that everything?be?perfect for them?
…..because if it’s not, I will feel like a failure and like I’m not good enough. Everything has to be perfect because then maybe, I’ll be worthy of their love, time, and attention.
Whose love, time, and attention do you REALLY want Connie?
Ever since I was a little girl, I thought if I worked harder, achieved more, and got straight A’s, my father would finally deem me as good enough and he would stop hurting me and love me like a dad was supposed to.
I never got that love.
All I got was pain.
Even though I’m a grown up now (well, most days I act like an adult), survived his abuse and haven’t seen him in 12 years, there’s a part of me, the little girl in me, that never got what she wanted, that is still striving and trying to be perfect so I can show him how good enough I am.
This story could go on forever, so I will shorten it by telling you that as I realized where my perfectionism came from, I was able to coach myself and the hurt little girl in me, and release that perfectionism. I’m not saying it won’t come back. But now I will have the awareness around it and I won’t let it dominate my life.
As I walked, prayed, and coached myself, I was able to release the hold that perfectionism and fear of not being good enough, had on me and I was guided towards a decision that felt better and more aligned- I would postpone the launch of my workshop.
Instead of having it go live next week, I will have it go live towards the end of May, on my birthday. Not only is this workshop very special to me because it’s one of the most epic trainings I’ve ever done, but launching it on my birthday will make it even?more?meaningful!??
This workshop means a lot to me. It’s one of the grandest, most in-depth trainings I’ve ever done. I want to cry just thinking about how many awesome women I’ll get to work with thanks to this free workshop, and all the tools they will learn and be able to use to manifest greatness into their life.??
I put A LOT into this workshop! It’s my baby. It’s my everything. And instead of feeling like I failed you and let you down for not delivering it on time, I’ve chosen to gift myself more time and space so I can create the best training possible. With this time and space, I have now made room for my Higher Self to guide me on what will serve you best, on what I need to talk about that will help you the most.
Remembering my why- why I do what I do- has helped me to shift from feeling like a failure to feeling proud of myself. I am so very, VERY human, and I too can get off the “positivity” bandwagon. But I don’t stay there for long. I’m proud of me for allowing myself to feel the feelings and coaching myself through it, and for deciding to postpone the launch of the workshop so I could create an even BETTER training series, with no stress or overwhelm attached.
Instead, I now get to infuse fun, laughter, and joy into the remaining videos of this series. And that will be so much better for you and I.
Plus, I get to record it from my gorgeous new mountain home! I bet you will enjoy the background of nature and beautiful scenery.?
So now, let’s talk.
I doubt I’m the only one that puts this kind of perfectionism, “not good enough” pressure on myself.? Let me ask you, is there something in your life that you’re putting soooooo much pressure on yourself that it’s causing you to suffer? Why? Why are you doing this? Do you think you could get to the root cause of it, so it can be released and you can be FREE?
Let’s be FREE together. This feels so much?better.
Whatever pressure you’re putting on yourself, GURL STOP! Stop bringing this suffering into your life. You are doing the best that you can with what you have. You don’t deserve to suffer like this and to put all this pressure on yourself. You are trying. You are doing your best. And that’s good enough!
And that’s it for now.
with love & wine,
p.s. a beautiful quote that goes perfectly with this post..